AIO to my husband’s relationship with his female friend?

Hi all, I’m feeling pretty conflicted about my husband’s friendship with his female friend. They’ve known each other for 10 years, and when they first met, they briefly dated. He insists I forget about that part because it was so long ago and their relationship is now totally platonic, but it’s hard for me to shake off that history given their dynamic.

For example, she constantly seems to seek his reassurance in subtle ways that come across as unnecessary or inappropriate. On her birthday, she called him saying, “Why didn’t you call meee?” in this overly playful tone, and then transitioned into a story about going out of town with a guy who was pining for sex. It felt weirdly intimate and not the kind of conversation a married man should be having with a female friend. On his birthday, she texted him to ask how his day was, and his response was, “I got to wash my balls.” That kind of exchange might seem harmless to him, but from my perspective, it’s weird and crosses boundaries.

When I bring these things up, he never seems to agree with me that their interactions are objectively strange or inappropriate.

Another issue is that they seem to rely on each other emotionally in a way that undermines me. For example, I went through a traumatic experience involving revenge porn from an ex, and I confided in my husband for support. Instead of keeping it private, he told her about it, and from what I can gather, they essentially gossiped about the situation. My husband’s takeaway was that I “kept a secret” because I hadn’t told him upfront that I feared something like this might happen when we first started dating. I was horrified—they seemed to agree that I, the victim, should have somehow predicted and pre-warned him. It made me feel like they were judging me together rather than him supporting me as my partner.

To make matters worse, I recently found out my husband called me a “bitch” in a text to her, which I only discovered after looking through his phone. (I know that was a boundary violation on my part, but my gut was telling me something wasn’t right.) She’s also blocked me on social media, which I can only assume is because I’m the bad guy in her eyes for feeling uncomfortable with their dynamic.

Am I overreacting by being upset about this? It feels like my husband prioritizes his friendship with her over respecting me and our marriage, but he doesn’t see it that way. For married men out there, would you ever interact with a female friend this way? I’d really appreciate an outside perspective.