This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/confessions by User mytimetoconfess. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded.

Mood: Happy

Trigger Warning: Bullying, Abandonment, Alcohol abuse, Child abuse, OOP uses Internet Explorer

Original

August 8, 2014

My time to shine, I guess.

So growing up, I was the usual jerk. My Dad left me when I was around 6, my Mom was an alcoholic and abusive, and I basically was living in a dump with her. Life sucked like shit.

The best part was going to school. No, it was not the teachers, they fucking sucked. It was my friends who respected me and accepted me for the jerk I am. I enjoyed socializing with them. They made me day. However; they were bullies.

Now, I didn't give a shit about bullying. I knew it happened but as long as I didn't do it or was the victim, I was fine. In comes this shy, scared, and nervous looking girl in middle school. My girlfriends began to group up and bully her for almost a couple of weeks. I didn't care, I wasn't going to take part or be the victim. I just wanted to fucking finish school at the time.

The bullying continued for the girl. She would cry, hide, and tried to stay away from school as long as she could. When my friends locked her into a locker once, I stopped them.

I guess she used that opportunity to get to know me. When my friends skipped school, she would come and talk to me or sit near me at lunch. She would share her lunch with me since I had nothing. She helped me with my homework which I had no idea about. And she began to pay me which I liked.

I guess in return, I stopped my friends from getting to her. I owed her that. As years went by, she invited me to dinner with her parents, we would hang-out together, and she'd pay for everything, which again, I liked. I liked her but she loved me, if you know what that feels like.

As time continued to go by, I got my drivers license at 17. The problem was that a car would cost a lot of money and insurance for a young person like myself was a lot. So I asked her parents for the money saying I will pay them back.

I knew they would say no. They should have said no. Everything would be so different if they did. But they said yes, and bought me my very own car.

After that moment, I realized that I had to take care of their daughter, at least until I paid them back. I would drive her anywhere, everywhere, we became closer and closer. She was so happy with me and always has a smile on her face when she sees me.

It was her that kissed me first, it was her that brought me to her church, it was her that proposed to me, and it was both of us that got married to each-other and gave each-other our virginity.

We've been married for 10 years tomorrow. I still owe her parents for the car and owe my wife all the cash she gave me. I like her, but she loves me so much. I've never cheated on her or ever thought about it. Our lives are perfect, but I wish I could let her know that I don't love her the way she loves me.

To conclude, I work a minimum wage job and my wife is a teacher. We don't have kids. She loves me so much, but if I could take it all back, I would. This is my confession. Feel free to ask any questions.

Notable Comments:

I don't know man. It sounds like you do love her, I mean you truly love her in the most important ways. You protected her when she needed it. You stuck with her for years through everything. She supported you in your time of need as well, and her family has been very supportive of you it seems as well. All of these things are a great foundation for a relationship.

Our society has some pretty messed up myths regarding love, that screw up our perceptions. We expect love to be this mystical feeling that is always there, like some movie. Here are some of the most common myths:

Myth 1 • Love is a feeling. If you're not feeling love, then you don't really love your partner.

Myth 2 • If you have to question whether or not you love your partner, you obviously don't love him/her and it's time to walk away.

Myth 3 • You should "just know that it's right." If you don't have that feeling of rightness, then it's clearly not right.

Myth 4 • You should feel head over heels "in love", which means butterflies and fireworks.

Myth 5 • Your partner should make you feel alive, whole, and fulfilled.

All of these myths screw us up if we buy into them. Sure, there might be SOME of these things in a relationship, but there is far more to a long term relationship than any of that. Love is sticking around when your own ego says you don't want to. Love is being there when you really are too tired to be there. Here is an article explaining some of there myths.

You were a jerk from an abusive home with an alcoholic mother and this woman bonded with you and supported you. She was a bullying victim who needed a hero, and you stepped up. Sounds like a great foundation for a relationship if you ask me. I don't know if you could find anything better to be honest.Remember. 1

I think that your saying you don't even think of cheating on her speaks volumes. In every relationship there will always be one person who loves the other more. It's natural and honestly, to be expected. Don't feel guilty for that. Or if you do, pour yourself into being more of you, the man that she loves and makes her happy.

Now that that's out, let's explore a possibility:

Honestly, it's no wonder your love for her is so much less than hers for you. Love takes a certain vulnerability, and she has it in spades. You are protective of yourself by default for very legitimate reasons. Are you secretly waiting for the other shoe to drop, for her to magically treat you like your abusive mom?

Or perhaps you won't let yourself love her because you think she deserves better? Being happy isn't explicitly require money or being worshiped. She probably needs a gruff protector, not a timid, infatuated partner.

Maybe the process of getting together with her wasn't a challenge? That's your primal instincts. Evolve beyond that.

Perhaps it's time to really analyze why you are so "indifferent" about your relationship.

In the end, if she's happy with you (yes), and you're happy with being with her (you must be on some level, if cheating isn't even an option), that's all that matters.2

I'm not going to comment about the relationship or love as I've never been in a long term relationship but I will say money only goes so far and what you've done for her as it is is worth well more than $10,000.

3

You love her. You just have some other mystical concept of love that you don't think you have.

Love is something that grows over time if its nurtured. Be each other's best friend. Be happy 4

Update

August 9, 2014, 1 day later

Today, I took my wife out to lunch for our anniversary. When I saw her cute face, I immediately felt different. This was due to the fact that my thread blew up with lots of advise yesterday night.

I want to thank you guys and girls. You know who you are. You made me think of my wife differently today. It was the first time that I actually told her I loved her without forcing myself to say it. At first, I muttered it under my breath and my wife asked what I said. I tried a second time and again, I couldn't speak up. Then I said it loud for the third time. My wife smiled and her face turned all pink.

We remained quiet for a little while until she began to ask me about my day. We talked for a little while before we visit her parents. I told her parents that I would start paying them back for the car they had bought me when I was in my teens. They told me not to worry about it; that they were happy that I remember and visit them even though it wasn't their anniversary. We talked for a couple of hours.

My wife and I returned home. It was then that I opened Internet Explorer and asked my wife to look at my thread. We sat down together and she read it. She began to cry while reading it and hugged me so tight. The last time I saw her cry was on our wedding night and it was "tears of joy" according to her.

I told her that I realized that I was treating her unfairly. I told her I wanted to be more loving towards her. I told her I loved her and she was my life. She told me that I was her life, that I saved her from killing herself, and that without me she wouldn't be happy. At this point, I was crying.

My wife is currently sleeping.

To conclude, I want to thank you all again for the advise. For the people that told me to pay back my debts and leave her, I have realized that I will stick by my wife till death do us part like I had promised her 10 years ago. She is my life right now and I don't want to have anyone by my side than her.

Good-night all.

I'm not the original poster.