Grieving how my mother was also a victim of abuse and trauma, while simultaneously being angry at her for not meeting my needs. Healing is messy.

There’s so many layers and nuances to healing. I know certain things that she went through in her own childhood and understand how she didn’t have the tools and resources to heal, and at the same time, I also know how she failed me when I needed her most while growing up.

As I heal myself and learn more about trauma, I have more sympathy for her as she was a victim as well. But like I said, she was abusive and neglectful as well. It’s just hard to navigate. There are certain days I cry for her pain, and other days angry at her for what she did to me and didn’t do for me.

I think a part of me will always love her, as I do remember as a child there were moments when she genuinely did love and protect me, but there are other parts where there’s also that deep pain from her failing me.

It’s also strange to see how I can see her own pain, and yet she remains in denial and blind to both hers and my own. (I also went no contact like five years ago and will never speak to her again.)

I’m just going to continue to feel my feelings and work on myself. That’s all I can do.