So tired of struggling through college like this

My whole educational background before college was essentially fabricated. I had to teach myself basic grammar and math. I couldnt pass the stupid tests to get into anywhere so I had to go to community college. I struggled every semester. I made it though, but my homeschooled past still haunts me. In highschool my transcript says i took physics, chemistry, biology… and I couldnt take intro to physics. So I am immediately stuck in physics with calculus.

On the first day of physics, the professor gave me this supposedly simple formula involving conversions and the volume of a sphere. But I could not do it. He kept telling me “you should know how to already.” Everybody else in the classroom did it so quickly. I sat and stared at the screen. And I tried googling it but my internet was crap. Tears were in my eyes and i had to cover myself and leave the classroom. I couldnt stop myself from crying and I just sat in the lobby feeling like the dumbest human being in the world. I somehow made it through calculus, but this was a whole other ballgame. It doesn’t help im autistic and slow to process everything. It was so loud in there, and the kahoot-like program they had would give questions with 10 mins of solve time while the professor shouts FIVE MORE MINUTES. FOUR MORE MINUTES. And i cant think. And I just feel panic.

Anyway. I come back in the classroom after trying to clean my face. Everyone was gone and it was afterhours/office hour time. I sat down and tried one last time. The tears came back. I started to get up to leave, but the professor mustve seen because he came over to help. He explained. I understood.

But suddenly, a week of school was canceled for bad weather. I lost lectures and office hours I desperately needed. I tried so hard to study the stuff, but I couldnt understand anything. I ordered the physical book and tried but still couldnt get it. I am so lost. I feel like I want to drop out. I cant stop feeling that neverending self-hatred and feeling of stupidity. I am so uneducated in so many ways. It is a miracle I’ve made it this far. I have no idea how. But every semester it feels like I am on the verge of falling apart and failing. I dont know what to do anymore. It feels like giant chunks of my foundation is completely missing, and Im trying to build a house on top of gaps.

I always wanted to learn physics. I remember as a kid begging my parents to let me learn a physics curriculum. But I took too long. They didnt teach me, they just handed me the book. And i took too long to complete it. So they cheated it for me. And i learned nothing. Why did they do this to me? They see me surviving thus far in college and they attribute my “success” to their teachings. But they didnt teach me. They watched TV all day while I was locked in a room for 8-10 hours alone. With goldfish crackers. Playing with them, pretending im a sea monster, because they handed me advanced algebra 2 in “9th grade” when I had repeatedly failed pre algebra. saying im a genius kid when they are just DELUSIONAL. Screamed at me when they found out I had completed nothing. But i stayed in that room all day with my imagination. Goldfish and iced tea. Endless paper to doodle on. My childhood. I will never get over this, will I? Ill always think Im stupid. I will always find new things I struggle with. I am a corrupted house. Built wrong.