I’m so exhausted of the rules my brain makes me follow

Im so sick and tired of how nothing feels right unless it’s done a certain way, I hate is so much. Nothing feels good and I can’t relax and do things normally because I need to do it the “right” way.

I wish I could just adjust to situations as needed and not have to do all these little steps to feel clean and secure. I feel dirty all the time because I live with other people who don’t have the same issues as me and can function normally. They are not dirty people and are very patient with me, but when they don’t do things the “correct” way and then I end up obsessing over it until I get so upset and start losing control of my emotions. It’s not their fault but in the moment it’s so difficult to differentiate what’s logical and what isn’t. I shutdown and go silent when I get upset or I end up obsessively cleaning/doing a task until I wear myself out or until my brain deems it ok enough to be left alone.

I wish I could just not think about all the little things that I “have” to do. I’m so frustrated and tired and I don’t know how to keep doing normal things without losing my mind and making the people I live with frustrated with me as well.