I hate myself for feeling those feelings

I usually don’t think of myself as a bisexual, but I have understood that I do feel attraction to both sexes. Most of the time it’s extremely confusing. It’s much easier to get that I’m attracted to women as a woman myself — I don’t really know why, it guess it happens more often. I can tell when a man is attractive but they’re not as many as the women and then I fell in love with a guy earlier this year and that was strange, unusual and uncomfortable — because I’ve never felt those feelings so strongly before, I have only had crushes before on both sexes.

It’s hard to imagine my future. I want to be a mother so deeply and get married. The thing is that I want that with a woman but also not. I’m Christian and I love being it. My country is one of the top most accepting countries of homosexuality and bisexuality and the majority of the population wouldn’t really mind whatever you are. Most of my friends are fine with people being gay and bisexual and the same goes for my family but I don’t want to tell them, I simply don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be abnormal. I don’t want to push people into making room for me. I can’t imagine standing on the altar breaking the tradition of a marriage between a man and a woman. I can’t imagine going through IVF or an adoption with a woman. I love loving women but I hate the fact that it’s not the norm and it doesn’t work with evolution. I don’t want to make things complicated.

It’s strange thinking for years that I probably was a lesbian because I almost didn’t feel any attraction to men in comparison to women and then falling in love with guy and opening a new door. I have a choice now — not really, you can’t help who you fall in love with but bear with me — and I can choose the easy choice or the hard choice.

I don’t want people finding out about it and I’m scared that they’ll notice. I’m afraid that they will find me staring at a girl a little bit too long and know. It feels as if there’s a big sign pointing down on me and everyone can see it but me. I don’t want to feel those things. I want my life to be easy and I want to fit in.

And then comes my problem with science. Because heterosexual relationships is the way for evolution there is a natural question mark as to why some people are homosexual and bisexual (I want to be clear I’m not questioning if homosexual and bisexual people exist rather why and how). Maybe I’m getting hung up on this but how can I be allowed to feel like this if there’s no obvious reasons as to why I feel like this?

I don’t really know why I wrote all this. I suppose I just needed to tell somebody and see if they can relate.