Don’t know what I want my relationship with my parents to look like

I (28M) have no clue what I want things to look like with my parents. I was raised in a traditional household in the rural Midwest with religious parents. It was a stable home and my material needs were met, but not my emotional needs. My parents were very much box-checkers. They went to work, paid the bills on time, made sure the kids were clothed, fed, attended church and got good grades.

I, along with my two older siblings, struggled with depression. I won’t go into their details, but I experienced suicidal ideation on a daily basis in late middle school/early high school. I talked with my schools guidance counselor about it and he said that if I wanted to pursue therapy, my parents would need to be involved. I immediately said no. I couldn’t stand the thought of sharing that with them, so I just sucked it up. It got better over the course of high school with increased involvement in extracurriculars and branching out socially, but I didn’t truly get past the suicidal ideation until I attended therapy (on my own health insurance without my parents’ knowledge) several years later.

Currently, I live far away from home. I live with my partner who I love dearly and while my current job isn’t perfect, I’m on the path to do what I want with my career. I’ve moved around a lot, always under positive circumstances for new jobs and experiences and my parents have always had difficulty understanding but it hasn’t caused them to distance themselves or express a lack of support.

Before my latest move I spent some time at home with my parents and I revealed that I struggled with suicidal ideation. I was met with the classic “we had no idea” and “you could’ve told us, you can tell us anything”. It was still upsetting because it felt scripted, as if that’s what they’re supposed to say rather than what they actually feel. I also expressed that I don’t identify with their religious beliefs which caused them distress but felt good to get off my chest. Additionally, I expressed frustration with my parents’ lack of sharing life experiences, especially my dad since we both changed majors and had similar work experiences right after college but he was silent about both. He said “I live my life for Christ, so my experiences aren’t important” or something along those lines.

Most recently, my parents visited me along with my siblings, aunts, and a cousin for my mom’s birthday. It was a jarring visit, as most everyone seemed unhappy despite the fact that I live in a popular vacation destination. I felt an intense amount of pressure and while there were some expressions of gratitude, it didn’t make up for the feeling of emptiness and violated boundaries I felt in being a host/tour guide for a group of people who had little emotional response to their surroundings and experiences.

Afterwards, I FaceTimed with my parents and expressed myself and they kept saying “well that’s not what we intended” or “we did have fun”. They asked if I’ve seen a therapist and if I’m on any medication, which felt invasive but I answered(yes therapy, no medication). I feel that they love me and care about me but my conversations just feel like fact-gathering on their end so they can say to other people “(name)’s doing this this and this” rather than engaging with my emotions. I don’t know what I want my relationship with them to look like and it’s causing me stress. I feel like there’s more I could be saying but that’s all I have right now. I’d love to hear others’ experiences or thoughts relating to this.